What Silence Becomes

Bottling Up

And that’s how our silence has a way of changing shape. When you can’t talk about fear, shame or loneliness, those feelings don’t just vanish.  You bottling them up and they will morph into something. Maybe its anger, addiction, porn use, cheating, snapping at your kids over something small, or temper flares at work over minor mistakes. Or you notice you’re drinking more than you used to, not because you enjoy it but because it dulls the pain or loneliness.

Drinking

In 2024, the National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA) reported that 31.8 million men binge drank the prior month. That means for every 10 men that listen to this episode, statistically, about two will have binge drank this past month. And again, men do this at a higher rate than women.

So, what have we done when we were overwhelmed? Did we dive headfirst into work, a screen, or porn, just to feel numb, feel good, or in control.

Loneliness

Studies show that loneliness is related to men who turning to pornography. In one study, researchers found that men who viewed pornography were more apt to feel lonely, and lonely men were more likely to view pornography.

And my point here, isn’t that we’re bad men; it’s that we’ve never truly been taught or trained in a healthier way of life.

If you’ve ever wondered why your anger flares so quickly, or why you feel empty even when everything looks good from the outside, it’s not about being weak. It’s about the outlet that silence gives us to avoid truly confronting our struggles.

Redefining Strength

Somewhere along the line we decided to accept the lie that silence is strength. That real men handle it all, alone. But, what if strength really looked different

Think: It takes courage to admit, “I’m not okay.” It takes guts to sit across from a friend or a counselor and be honest about what’s really going on. That kind of vulnerability isn’t weakness; it’s the wisdom to know what you really need. Which is support. The moment you speak your pain out loud, it loses some of its power over you. And you realize you don’t have to carry it alone.

Think about it: even Jesus didn’t carry His cross alone. Simon of Cyrene stepped in to help Him shoulder it. If the Son of God allowed someone to assist Him in His greatest struggle, why do we think we have to be self‑contained?

What Men Are Called To

If you look at Scripture, it does not tell men to bury their pain. Instead, it calls us into relationship and community. Galatians 6:2 says, “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” That’s a command to share our struggles with each other, not hide them.

Restraint

Now, I’m not saying every time we stay quiet it’s wrong. Sometimes restraint is love. Maybe you’ve “sucked up” how you’ve felt. And told yourself, “hey, this is an act of love and selflessness.” I’m gonna challenge you here. Consider, “Is it?” Sometimes it certainly is, but are there other vices your turning to?

For example, if we are depressed in our marriage. If we avoid conflict and speaking our own thoughts. And especially, do this under the guise of I just want her to be happy or there’s no point in trying. We are doing both her and ourself a disservice. Of course, in certain circumstances this does need to happen (putting our needs aside for our wife’s). But if that is our general rule and way of responding, honestly, long term, we’re going to lose ourself and her by avoiding the conflict. What often comes with that are vices.  We start drinking more, or get angry faster, resenting her, or using porn.

Strong Where It Counts

We need to be strong where it counts. Bottling it up, for the most part, is avoidance. If we are taking true responsibility for ourselves, leaning into being strong men we will be able to feel the spectrum of emotions, be self-regulated, be vulnerable, and not lose ourself in either direction.

If we are thinking that bottling up and saying “I can handle this. I don’t need anyone. I can do this by myself,” I caution you to reflect, is that honest strength or a hidden disguised form of pride. To think that we can do anything in this life alone, will lead to failure. And pride comes before any fall. A fall into a vice and a fall into despair. The truth is that we can’t do this alone, we need God and each other. Proverbs 27:17 tells us this, “as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.”

Brotherhood

The early disciples were far from perfect. They doubted, they fought, they failed. But they were real with each other. They didn’t live in isolation; they leaned on one another and let themselves be known. We’re called to the same type of brotherhood: to lift each other up, to be honest about our weaknesses, and to support one another through them. It’s not about being flawless; it’s about being faithful to God, ourselves, our spouse, and our families.

So, isolation isn’t a badge of honor. And independence for its own sake can become its own prison. But as Scripture reminds us, we are not meant to fight these battles alone. When we redefine strength as honesty and seek connection rather than isolation, we can open the door to real healing. We choose relationship and brotherhood over isolation.

What Healing Actually Looks Like

So what happens when we stop hiding and start healing? It’s not some magic formula that makes life perfect. Healing looks like small, tangible shifts. It’s sleeping through the night for the first time in months. It’s taking that first step to end your addiction. It’s that first deep breath that feels easy. It’s noticing that your shoulders aren’t constantly up by your ears anymore.

Physically, when we talk and process emotions, our bodies relax. Our heart rate slows, stress hormones drop, and we move out of survival mode. Spiritually, something beautiful happens too. We realize that God isn’t disappointed in us for being human; He’s waiting for us to come to Him honestly. He isn’t impressed by our toughness; He’s moved by our honesty and openness. He wants our hearts, not merely our white knuckles.

Healing means the things that once controlled you (the anger, the addiction, the shame) lose their grip on you. You’ll still be the same man, but you show up with more peace and presence. Your family notices the difference. Your friends feel it. And slowly, you start to feel it too. And you will live rather than just survive.

The Call to True Strength

Maybe it’s time to rethink what strength looks like. It’s not about how much weight you can carry alone. It’s knowing when to put something down.

The silence keeps building pressure until it bursts, often hurting the people we love most. While, honesty releases that pressure. It doesn’t fix everything overnight, but it’s the first step toward real growth.

You don’t need to keep fighting battles no one else knows about. Surviving isn’t the same as living. Maybe for you, taking a stand for your own health looks like having a real conversation with a friend. Maybe it’s scheduling that counseling appointment you’ve been avoiding. Maybe it’s taking a walk and telling God, “I don’t know what to do, but I’m tired of bottling it up and pretending.”

Whatever that step is, take it. Because when you get healthy, you have so much more to offer to your family, your friends, your work, to the world. You were never meant to do life alone.

Next Time

And come back next week as we continue to talk about men’s mental health and learn new techniques for becoming the most true version of ourself.

Remember

 You were never meant to do life alone. So, let your strength this week be humility. Let it be healing. Let it be a new story that begins by choosing to speak.

Prayer

Let’s Pray
Jesus,
Thank You for reminding us we were never meant to walk alone.
For every man carrying more than he can say; meet him in that quiet place.
Give us courage to be honest, to reach out, to lift one another up.
Teach us that real strength isn’t silence.
And when we forget, remind us of Your Son, who carried His Cross and how he let someone help Him.
In Jesus’ name,
Amen.

Closing

Thanks so much for spending this time with me on Mind and Spirit. If today’s episode spoke to you, don’t rush past it. Take a quiet moment to breathe and let God meet you right where you are.

If this episode encouraged you, I’d love for you to subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone who might need it. Your support not only helps this show grow. It helps more people find hope and healing through faith.

To connect with me personally, follow and message me on Instagram @LukeJohanni, or visit RestoredChristianCounseling.com for more resources.

And if you have a question you’d like me to answer in a future episode, just head to the Podcast page on my website and submit it. I’d love to hear from you.

I’m Luke Johanni, and this has been Mind and Spirit. Until next time, may the peace of Christ be with you.

Sources/Resources

• Galatians 6:2
• Proverbs 27:17
• Proverbs 16:18
• Luke 23:26
• SSM Health. (2023, June). Mental Health: A Men’s Issue Too.
• Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). (2024). Data on Excessive Alcohol Use.
• Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). (2025). Alcohol Use and Sex-Based Differences.
• National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA). (2024). Alcohol-Related Disease Impact Data.
• Our World in Data. (2025). Suicide Rates Are Higher in Men Than Women.
• Psychology Today. (2021, Sept 1). The Link Between Pornography and Loneliness.